By now, the recent exploits of Congressman Anthony Weiner are well documented all over the Internet, not to mention any other source where you can make double-entendres about a person’s last name until you’re blue in the face.
Pundits and other government officials have offered all sorts of advice to Rep. Weiner, from telling him to seek counseling to asking that he remove himself from office. But it’s odd that, for a man who spent so much time frolicking in a digital garden care of Twitter and Facebook, no one has told him what apps he might want to seek out for his future life as social media pariah.
Lucky for you, Rep. Weiner, I’m on the case.
Let’s start with a few obvious ones. Now, sending lewd photos wasn’t exactly your only transgression here. People are pretty upset that you were married while sending those images. That created what some in the business world might call a “conflict of interest.” So we’re going to need to take care of this one way or another right now.
The divorce download
If you believe your marriage to be unsalvageable, you may want to check out the Divorce: Cost & Prep app ($0.99). I know it sounds funny, but you don’t have a law degree so this might be an app you need to look into.
But let’s suppose your wife is the sort of lady who can forgive and forget that you apparently spent months sending illicit messages to numerous younger women. That seems like a completely and totally plausible thing, doesn’t it? Sure! So operating on that assumption, maybe you want to try and save your marriage. Unfortunately for you, Rep. Weiner, I’m no marriage counselor, but I would suggest the Save Your Marriage ($0.99) app. Maybe it won’t work given everything you have working against you, but for less than a dollar, it’s probably worth it to try.
Now say you’ve given it your best college try and Mrs. Weiner is just having no part of you. It’s time to put yourself back out there. Stop! Not like that, Rep. Weiner. Not like that at all. I’m talking about the organized world of online dating, where pictures of your face and a short bio talking about how much you love High Fidelity come first in the courting process.
Consider these PG 13 apps for courtship
I, myself, have used OkCupid in the past. It has a handy app that should allow you to message eligible singles with ease. And you won’t have to lure them under false pretense to your Twitter feed, so you can feel pretty good about that, too. One word of advice: under the part of your profile where you discuss a private detail about yourself, I’d maybe start with a hidden talent not related to an appendage on your body. Just saying.
But maybe you think that OkCupid is too low rent? After all, anyone can sign-up and message you, so who will vet the potential crazy people you might find yourself on a date with? Perhaps Match.com’s app would be more your flavor. You can browse for free but you have to sign-up with the paid service to send messages back and forth. This way, at least you know your future sweetie has a little money in the bank (or at least enough to sign-up for an online dating website, right?).
But maybe we’re getting off track here, Rep. Weiner. Maybe it’s wrong to rush you back to the dating pool so soon, given everything that has gone on around you. In fact, I think you and I could both benefit from downloading the Priorities app (2.99). There’s a lite version of this available for free, but I think you can agree given your recent issues that it’s best not to take your priorities lightly at all. So let’s spend that three bucks and get our money’s worth. Maybe with the help of this app you’ll know what really matters in life (Hint: it has so very little to do with sending pictures to your Twitter followers).
But there is that old saying; Something about how you can’t tell a tiger to change its stripes. Does that sound right? I think that’s it. Anyway, basically what that means is you are who you are. So if you’re going to go to counseling and come back and just repeat the same behavior that landed you in hot water in the first place, at least be a little bit smarter and create some plausible deniability. Try out the ZombieBooth Lite app.
Next time you’re taking photos to bolster a future modeling career, use ZombieBooth to make yourself look like something out of the Thriller video. At least then you won’t hem and haw on TV for days pretending you don’t know what you look like in your underwear. “No way is that me!” you can say with tremendous affirmation, “I clearly don’t have decaying skin, and I’m certainly not covered in poorly sewn stitches!”
You made a gigantic mistake, Rep. Weiner. Or maybe it was a long series of little mistakes. Either way, what’s done is done, and the only thing you can do now is sit back, download some apps to help you fix your life, and wait for the book deal. You’re welcome.