The Onion iPhone app has been completely redesigned. You're welcome.

New features include:
• Entire Onion Video library at your fingertips now in HD quality
• Revolutionary “Shake For News” mode, perfect for the lazy and indecisive
• Access to the full Onion archives dating back to 1783, save an unlimited number of your favorite stories
• Hi-Rez images that take full advantage of retina display