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Kick off the NFL season with these undefeated iPhone apps

by Brad Spirrison

With no looming work stoppage in the iPhone arena, we present these ten iPhone apps that will help get you through opening week of the NFL season.

PottyMouth!

If New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan owns an iPhone, chances are that he uses his middle finger to tap into his favorite applications. Ryan’s colorful language is breathing new life into HBO’s “Hard Knocks” series, which is now tee’d up for international syndication with the help of this 99-cent iPhone application. PottyMouth! translates more than 70 swear words into eight different languages. The app’s audio feed will also provide users proper pronunciations. Stay tuned for a January update that will include a fresh set of profanities after the quarterback-challenged Jets finish in third place and out of the playoffs.

Skype

Arizona Cardinals starting quarterback Derek Anderson’s arm is about as reliable as an iPhone 4 antenna. If the two-time defending NFC West champions want any chance to return to the playoffs, the team best get Kurt Warner on the line now. This mobile version of the web-based calling and instant messaging service can be downloaded for free on the iPhone (thereafter standard Skype rates apply). If Warner fumbled away his iPhone in the offseason, the team can also try connecting with him via the Skype Android app.

Fairytail Preschool!

With his receivers on the mend and his own 41-year-old body not far behind, don’t expect a fairytale ending for Brett Favre’s career. Minnesota Vikings fans hoping to dial-into the team’s first Super Bowl appearance since the rotary dial should download this 99-cent app for any hopes of a happy ending. Fans of the Denver Broncos that are hoping that Tim Tebow will emerge as the next John Elway can take their illusions into higher definition by paying an extra buck for the iPad version.

Bejeweled 2 + Blitz

Even though his suspension was cut to four games, Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlishberger still has some time to kill. Why not multitask and work on avoiding the blitz with this classic puzzle game. Even with a 25 percent salary reduction this year, Big Ben can still afford the $2.99 download price. While banned from the Steelers practice facility, he can also waste some time with these apps.

First Aid

Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning is worried that the repositioning of NFL umpires will slow down his team’s speed dial offense. Perhaps Manning can purchase this 99-cent iPhone app for all of the league’s officials who risk getting trampled by a 250-pound tight end going up the middle. Manning can also find personal use in this app, and heal any wound incurred for kicking himself after throwing that interception to Tracy Porter in the Super Bowl.

Hangover Meter

Speaking of the defending champion New Orleans Saints, a letdown from last year’s magical season is almost inevitable. To track any potential hangups in the weeks ahead, the team’s management should invest 99 cents in this app’s “revolutionary Hangoveroscopic technology” which indexes one’s hangover levels. Saints fans of course can enjoy this app for their own personal consumption.

Derek Jeter Real Baseball

The iPhone was only a rumor the last time the New England Patriots won the Super Bowl nearly six years ago. Now eligible for a new contract, quarterback Tom Brady can afford to pay $2.99 to download this baseball simulation game based on the now five-time World Series winner Derek Jeter. A new daddy, Brady can also check out these parenting apps for the baby’s first two years.

Southwest Airlines

While Super Bowl XLV will be held at Cowboys Stadium, don’t expect America’s Team to be playing in Arlington, Texas come this February. This free app will allow Tony Romo to set his winter travel plans on the fly after another inevitable playoff miscue.

Negotiate to Win

NFL players and owners should turn to their smartphones in order to avoid a colossally dumb work stoppage. If a detente cannot be reached, each side can pair oversized egos with this free and expanded iPad app that teaches negotiation skills.

Chase Mobile

Regardless of how the union and ownership battles shake out, expect the practice of paying out exorbitant signing bonuses to unproven rookies to be discontinued. Agents for University of Washington quarterback Jake Locker and University of Iowa Defensive End Adrian Clayborn can pay close and constant attention to their bank accounts with this free app. In fact, if there is any work stoppage at all, rookies and veterans alike may want to download this newly released coupons app.