The crAPPies: 29 Worst iPhone Apps of All Time

by Amanda Halm

Awesome apps are everywhere – from the practical to the sexy to the hilarious. But those apps already get enough “app-olades.”  These iPhone apps have been declared crAPPy, an award we created to honor the worst apps of all time.

These 29 (cr)apps should have stayed in the reject pile!

Bodily fluid iPhone Apps that will make you vomit

1. I am a Man iPhone app($1.99)

Her bad moods and chocolate cravings will be logged in the I am Man iPhone app so you’ll know when to stay out of her way. Cheating with multiple partners? Partaking in polygamy? No problem – I Am a Man is password protected, so she’ll never know you’re tracking another woman’s ovulation.

No thanks. Instead, we’d like an app that can physically slap the person who thought of this. 

2. Zit Picker (Free)

Pick zits and then post your score on Facebook.

 Instead of picking zits, how about picking another app? 

3. Poo Log ($0.99)

Ever wonder “what your poo is telling you?” Hint: it’s usually “eat more fiber.” The poo log keeps track of your poo along with handy references and interesting “nuggets” throughout.

Unless you are among the feces-obsessed, this app is pretty much sh*t. 

4. Drunk Sniper ($0.99)

An excellent app for women who’ve ever wondered what it’s like to pee like a drunk man.

Except, women don’t really care that you can pee standing up. 

Sexy iPhone apps that aren’t really sexy

5. Wobble iBoobs ($1.99)

Choose picture. Target the wobbly bits. Then shake to see ‘em w-w-wobble. Whatever wobbly bits are, they don’t sound pretty. This app goes to the next level by allowing you to upload and w-w-wobble your own naughty photographs.

This app should w-w-wobble right into the trash. 

6. Zips – (Free) 

It’s supposed to be sexy and suggestive but Zips is boring and useless. The only redeemable quality of this app is that it lets you change the underwear with a tap of your finger, making it slightly better than your old Ken doll with the painted-on whitie tighties. Now, if only we could do something about those circa-1986 stonewashed jeans.

Really, Zips is just an app for pervs who can’t stop playing with their zippers. 

7. R U a Good French Kisser ($0.99)

If you buy this app, probably not. Have fun making out with your phone though. 

8. Kiss Me ($0.99)

Practice before you take the test with Kiss Me – another app for lonely basement dwellers that provides a sloppy kiss on demand. 

Get a dog. 

9. iStrip – Sexy Pen ($0.99)

App developers missed an important part when they thought up this app. It’s like one of those sexy “undressing” pens except iStrip is a “family application and does not contain any obscene or offensive material.”  

Only thirteen-year-old boys will find this app enticing. “Strip pen” and “family friendly” are two words that should never be used in the same sentence.

10. iGirl – iPhone App ($0.99)

“Blow her, shake her, touch her and more.”

Why illegally stalk your pretty next-door-neighbor when you could have an iGirl? This app gives you your own personal girlfriend that you could enjoy from any angle or distance. The hair, eye color, skin color and even the voice are customizable.

The developers rated this iPhone application PG-13 and say the app will never have any nudity in it.

So, yeah it is kind of like having a real girlfriend. 

iPhone Apps that could break your phone

11. HangTime ($0.99)

Throw your iPhone in the air and break it ‘cause you just don’t care. HangTime encourages people to throw their phones higher and higher and share their “up times” with fellow users. An app that breaks your $500 phone for you. Nice! 

12. Pocket Heat ($1.99)

Throw out those gloves. This iPhone app turns your phone into a radiator by putting your iPhone on overdrive, using 100% of its battery. It can save you from frostbite if you ever get stuck in the wilderness. Its melted carcass will be great to throw at and kill a squirrel for food!

Survival 101: Save the battery in your cell phone. You may need to call someone to rescue you.

13. Hard Awakening ($1.99)

Is your alarm clock not annoying enough? Try Hard Awakening. Featuring seventy sounds guaranteed to drive you so insane you’ll smash your iPhone into the nightstand. 

Totally Useless iPhone Apps

14. I Am Rich ($1,000 – removed)

This app should be renamed, “I Am a Jackass” The gleaming ruby app was made with the sole intention to show off how rich you are. That means, not only do you have to waste $1,000, you have to whip out your iPhone every time you want to prove it. You’d be better off taking a picture of your $1,000 burning in a fire.

Apple removed the I Am Rich after they realized they launched the app during the worst economic crisis in decades. Oops.

15. Hold the Button (Free )

That’s it. Hold it.

And keep holding. Until your wife leaves you for quitting your job to hold a button all day. Hold it until your dog dies, your roof caves in, the police find your skeletal frame and place you under arrest and when they do, compare yourself to Gandhi. But they won’t be able to fingerprint you because your prints will have been worn away on this app. 

16. Taxi Hold’em (Free)

A fanny pack and camera case isn’t the only way to look like a tourist when you’re out on the town. Presenting the Taxi Hold’em – an iPhone app that flashes “Taxi” in black and yellow in case you can’t whistle or are confused by the classic up-down waving arm motion.

With all the distractions in the big city, we’d be surprised if a cab driver would even notice you, the idiot standing on the corner holding up his iPhone. The cab driver won’t see you but the locals will (cue snickering). 

17. iNap@Work – ($0.99)

There’s nothing more fulfilling than a power nap in the privacy of your cubicle. iNap@Work makes “realistic” office sounds like keyboard taps, coughs, pencil sharpeners, and mouse clicks so your boss will be none the wiser as you nod off in your cubicle (let’s face it: if you’re using this, there’s no way you have your own office).

 iNap@Work is a big snooze and might even get you fired.

18. Fat Burner2K ($0.99)

Hours of Tummy Vibrating Fun

Don’t let this app deceive you. It doesn’t really burn fat. It just vibrates on your tummy. You could probably get the same effect by eating too much Moroccan food. 

19. My Name is iPhone App (Free)

You don’t have to be one of those conference “losers” with the name tag. Just download My Name Is and wear your phone around your neck. Or stand out during networking events by holding up your iPhone the minute you meet someone. Ignore the look of utter confusion that will cross their face. 

This app would be much better with the ability to add “And I’m an alcoholic,” to the end. 

20. Mark the Spot iPhone App (Free)

Want to report AT&T’s dropped calls, so they can get a better sense of their “drop zones?” There’s an app for that. Just click a button when you receive a dropped call and complain. What AT&T didn’t realize is complaining is only fun when you’re talking to an actual person.

If you’re in a dead zone, how does this app even work? FAIL. 

21. Wooo! Button (Free)

Wooo! Finally an app that exclaims wooo at the push of a button. Does anyone really say “wooo?”

“You have to make a dentist appointment?”

“Wooo”

“Your license has to be renewed.”

“Wooo?” 

22. Proposal “Will You Marry Me” App ($1.99)

Will You? Probably Not.

The proposal is your big opportunity to rock her world, to shower her in love, make her obnoxious friends super jealous…

And you do it with a cheesy iPhone app? How romantic. This app is perfect for the engaged and underaged -- her skuzzy boyfriend can just download this app instead of putting that quarter into the gumball machine and getting one of those rings in the colored plastic eggs. 

23. Miller Lite Beer Time  (Free)

It’s supposed to help people in loud, crowded bars by letting you select how you want your Miller Lite served and how many beers you want – the app flashes the number and a picture. As soon as you download this app, you become the most obnoxious person in the bar. And it only flashes Miller Lite – if you like High-Life, you’ll have to just raise your hand and yell. Or wait patiently. 

Apps that will Offend the Not Easily Offended

24. Baby Shaker (99 cents – later removed) 

Baby Shaking Fun All Day Long

Developer one: “Let’s strive for the most offensive app ever created, thereby increasing our popularity and making the Apple Store millions of dollars.”

Developer two: “Hmmm… prostitutes and meth labs are pretty controversial. But really, there’s nothing more horrific, more repugnant than harming a baby.

Developer one: “I know! Let’s make an app where you shake a baby to stop it from crying. Really, what could be the issue?! The boss will love it.”

Developer two: “It’s so edgy!”

Apple yanked the Baby Shaker last April when they finally came to their senses and realized child abuse does not a clever app make. 

25. AMP UP Before You Score (Free - later removed) 

Pepsi and AMP co-created this app to “show the humorous lengths” a guy goes to in order to pick up women (short of roofies).

With AMP UP you identify her type using a cheatsheet to pinpoint all the stuff she’s into. When you (if you) happen to pick up a lady with this offensive app and “get lucky” (we highly doubt it), you add her to your brag list. And when you bag her, keep your buddies in the loop through Twitter and Facebook.

This app is really only useful if you live at the Jersey Shore and have a name like “The Situation.” 

Apps that Appeal to the Idiocracy

26. iPickuplines ($0.99)

Really? You need an iPhone app to give you this terrible pick-up line: “Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water.” What if she had brown eyes? And try to pick up a lady while you’re staring at your iPhone screen.

27. Hillbilly PickUp ($0.99)

Let me show you my stimulus package.

 If you need special pickup lines for those camo-wearing, gun-toting beauties, download Hillbilly Zeek.

Noon Studios, the makers of Hillbilly Pick Up call these the most effective, proven pickup lines in all of history. Here’s an example: “If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.” 

Violent Apps 

28. iGouge ($0.99)

The iGouge app let’s you “Three Stooges” someone right in the eye. (If you don’t get that reference you need an app to improve your sense of humor). It’s one of the more violent apps out there, allowing the user to select the particular kind of eye to poke and label it with a person’s name or you could just really poke the person in the eye and wait to see what happens. 

29. Tickle Me! (Free)

You touch the screen and it sounds like a baby is being tickled. Hours of harmless entertainment for those mean uncles who like to tickle babies under their chin until they cry. Uncle Torturer.

What will they think of next? The “noogie app?” The “steal your nose” app?